I feel so alone. This has been the most difficult goodbye so far. I hate being so far away, it breaks me every time. I’m sitting in some random parking lot in Los Gatos cause I couldn’t make the drive. I had to park and I just broke down sobbing. I never realize how much I hold inside until it all comes flying out. I feel so scared. I’m so afraid of the future and life and everything and I feel just so alone up here. I feel like I just bother everyone and I never know how to confide in people. It’s so hard for me. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to feel so far away from the people I trust. I’m so tired of putting on a front. I hate this. I don’t want to be here anymore. Sometimes I don’t think I can make it another year and a half. Sometimes I don’t think I can last. I’ve got my hopes so high to graduate that it puts so much pressure on myself to pass all of my classes and makes everything so much harder. But I only want to graduate early so I can be with Kyle. And to save my parents money too. But I know Kyle is a huge reason. I don’t want to go back to my room and be alone. This weekend was like a dream it went just so fast. It’s been a long time since I’ve cried this hard. I don’t want to go back. I just want to keep driving past Santa Cruz and go home. I don’t want to keep doing this. I just feel like I can’t. I don’t even think I can convince myself to leave this parking lot to start driving. I thought that after a year and a half distance would get a little easier but it gets harder every time. So much harder. And there’s so much I wanted to say but I just couldn’t cause I knew I would just cry. I couldn’t speak and I feel so bad cause the ride to the airport was so quiet. I just couldn’t do it. I’m running out of things to tell myself to make it all better. I can fly home in 3 weeks but it just sounds so far. And the 8 weeks left in this quarter sound even worse. I really don’t know what to keep telling myself. I really do feel alone. I don’t want to go back to my room. If I make it back I don’t think I’m gonna want to get out of bed tomorrow morning. I just feel so broken. It’s both comforting and upsetting that I can scream and sob as loud as I want and no one will hear me. No one is here. Is it my fault that I feel like I don’t have a group of friends in college? I don’t like to party, I don’t drink, is that why? Because everyone goes out together and I just stay in my room? Is it my fault? This is how senior year of high school was except there I just jumped and hung out with all kinds of people. Here I’m lucky now if I don’t go to the dining hall alone. I just want to talk to someone without being judged or anything. I want someone to just understand. I want someone to say this will all be okay. I’ve really hit rock bottom. I can’t bring myself to start my car to drive back. I feel like there is absolutely no reason for me to go back. I’m really bad about reaching out for help. This is the best I can do if anyone even reads this. I really just feel broken and alone. And really lost. In all aspects of my life. Deep down I’m really really scared and tired of always being alone. It gets too difficult. I’ve been like this for a long time and now it’s all finally coming out. I need help. I should try to start driving back to campus. Sleeping in a random parking lot probably isn’t a great idea. If anyone reads this, help? I’m sorry.

I can’t shake it.  I couldn’t sleep well last night, I kept waking up.  I managed to lay in bed this morning until 9.  Whoa, big sleeper.  I have no class today, so I’m going to be left to sit here and think and cry.  I was feeling okay yesterday for the first half of the drive up.  I was telling myself that school is just something that needs to happen in order to get the future I want.  But then I dunno, something switched in my brain and it was like nooo I don’t think so and I just got so unreasonably sad.  I miss Kyle.  I miss all my other friends back home.  I just feel stuck here.  I want to hurry up and get out because I don’t want to be here anymore.  I hate being so far away from everyone that’s so important to me.  Sometimes I feel like I really made the wrong decision in coming here, but you can never know for sure.  I dwell too much on decisions I’ve made or ones I should have and it’s not healthy.  I need to get better at accepting everything for what it is.  It’s really hard though!  I hate being in the dorms, I don’t like the dining hall food, I want to be back home where I can cook what I want and eat whatever I want and it won’t give me a stomach ache.  I’m not looking forward to eating alone either.  I’m debating on asking if any apartments have opened up, but will that really solve my problem?  Sure I’ll be able to cook on my own and that problem will be fixed, but will I feel less alone?  I’ll be in closer contact with people, so it could be better, or they could be awful people and it could be worse.  I dunno if it’s even worth it at this point.  And I don’t even know why this is so difficult for me.  Is it the idea that everyone is 400 miles away from me?  I really don’t know.  I don’t know why this happens to me every single quarter.  I freak out and get upset and want to leave back to southern California until I find a routine and things settle down.  But this time I really want to just turn around and leave.  I got the acceptance letter to CSUSB but I disregarded it because at that point things were fine and I thought I was doing okay.  I know it’s better for me here, I know graduating from here will get me a more specific degree and better opportunities.  I know that.  But I also know that this is really tough for me.  I’m struggling with building myself up this time.  This morning I tried thinking about everything I was thankful for, which helped calm me down enough to doze off for 15-30 minute increments.  I also kept thinking about things that are constant, which are both good and bad I suppose.  I thought about how life still moves at the same pace, regardless of what’s happening.  My parents will still wake up and go to work.  Kyle will still wake up and go to work and school.  The Ducks will still wake up and practice and play hockey.  Everything continues, and it’s all a matter of how you look at it.  I have a really open schedule this quarter, so maybe I’m afraid of having too much free time.  Maybe the free time will be good though?  Maybe I’ll be less stressed.  I’ll have time to do things I like to do instead of just studying whenever I’m not in class, because that’s how last quarter ended up.  Now I’ll be able to watch movies, or play Pokemon, or read for fun (whoa!).  I’m just rambling now, but it’s helping.  My thoughts are so scattered, so I’m just typing them all out as they come.  It feels like no matter what I tell myself though, I still cry.  I’m still sitting here teary eyed regardless of all of the things I tell myself, of all of the good things I think.  It’s like crying is inevitable.  I think deep down I just really want to be with Kyle.  I feel the most at ease with him, everything is just all good and right.  I just want for us to finally be together for good.  No more of this me going away to school for a couple months at a time.  I want to be surrounded by the people I care about and the people who care about me.  I only have a year and a half left, but that can’t go by fast enough.  I feel so stuck.  I want to just leave school and never come back.  I just want to say gg college, you win.  I’ll figure something else out.  I wasn’t cut out for college, not this far away.  But Kyle and my parents and everyone would kill me if I just quit.  Or if I just quit and went to VVC to transfer to somewhere new.  I want to be able to go home every weekend.  I want to be able to see Kyle every day.  I want to know that if I really needed it I could just jump in my car and go home.  And I suppose I can, but it’s still a 6-7 hour drive.  And flying is too expensive to fly home every weekend.  Can’t I just squish California in half and make everything closer together?  I feel lost and alone.  I don’t even want to go to the dining hall and eat.  Thinking about eating is freaking me out.  I think it’s my emetophobia, I don’t want to eat anything because then that way I can’t get sick.  I just want to go home.  I want to feel something constant in my life.  I want a job, I want to live with Kyle, I want to start life.  I don’t want to be here stressing over school.  I want to quit school, go home, find a job, and figure everything out from there.  I know that can’t happen, but that’s what I want to do.  I feel like if I stop writing then I’ll really be alone.  But I need to go out and actually face the day.  I should go stop by the bookstore and see if I need anymore books, I should go get my winter sticker for my ID.  

If anyone read this far, help?  I need some help picking myself up.  I don’t know what to do, or what to tell myself so I can be convinced that everything is going to be okay.