I feel so alone. This has been the most difficult goodbye so far. I hate being so far away, it breaks me every time. I’m sitting in some random parking lot in Los Gatos cause I couldn’t make the drive. I had to park and I just broke down sobbing. I never realize how much I hold inside until it all comes flying out. I feel so scared. I’m so afraid of the future and life and everything and I feel just so alone up here. I feel like I just bother everyone and I never know how to confide in people. It’s so hard for me. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to feel so far away from the people I trust. I’m so tired of putting on a front. I hate this. I don’t want to be here anymore. Sometimes I don’t think I can make it another year and a half. Sometimes I don’t think I can last. I’ve got my hopes so high to graduate that it puts so much pressure on myself to pass all of my classes and makes everything so much harder. But I only want to graduate early so I can be with Kyle. And to save my parents money too. But I know Kyle is a huge reason. I don’t want to go back to my room and be alone. This weekend was like a dream it went just so fast. It’s been a long time since I’ve cried this hard. I don’t want to go back. I just want to keep driving past Santa Cruz and go home. I don’t want to keep doing this. I just feel like I can’t. I don’t even think I can convince myself to leave this parking lot to start driving. I thought that after a year and a half distance would get a little easier but it gets harder every time. So much harder. And there’s so much I wanted to say but I just couldn’t cause I knew I would just cry. I couldn’t speak and I feel so bad cause the ride to the airport was so quiet. I just couldn’t do it. I’m running out of things to tell myself to make it all better. I can fly home in 3 weeks but it just sounds so far. And the 8 weeks left in this quarter sound even worse. I really don’t know what to keep telling myself. I really do feel alone. I don’t want to go back to my room. If I make it back I don’t think I’m gonna want to get out of bed tomorrow morning. I just feel so broken. It’s both comforting and upsetting that I can scream and sob as loud as I want and no one will hear me. No one is here. Is it my fault that I feel like I don’t have a group of friends in college? I don’t like to party, I don’t drink, is that why? Because everyone goes out together and I just stay in my room? Is it my fault? This is how senior year of high school was except there I just jumped and hung out with all kinds of people. Here I’m lucky now if I don’t go to the dining hall alone. I just want to talk to someone without being judged or anything. I want someone to just understand. I want someone to say this will all be okay. I’ve really hit rock bottom. I can’t bring myself to start my car to drive back. I feel like there is absolutely no reason for me to go back. I’m really bad about reaching out for help. This is the best I can do if anyone even reads this. I really just feel broken and alone. And really lost. In all aspects of my life. Deep down I’m really really scared and tired of always being alone. It gets too difficult. I’ve been like this for a long time and now it’s all finally coming out. I need help. I should try to start driving back to campus. Sleeping in a random parking lot probably isn’t a great idea. If anyone reads this, help? I’m sorry.