I need to get better at not caring about what other people think.  I guess everyone is guilty of this, but we can always get better at it too, right?  I am a human being, I have emotions, therefore it’s okay to be sad sometimes.  That also happens to be the only time I seem to write anymore.  I don’t want to look back at this blog someday and think damn, what a depressing college life I had.  I don’t want other people who read my posts to think that either because I’ve had some good times too!  I need to think of a way to document the good and the bad, because I’m really not perpetually sad all of the time.  I have more good days than bad days to be honest.

Maybe I’ll start another project of some sort again…  Hmm…  Or maybe I’ll just try to write when I feel good as well as when I feel bad.  I refuse for my blog to turn into a pictures/reblog everything I see blog.  I said it would be for writing, and it will be damnit!

I think I’m too over analytical.

A little bit at least.  I’m trying to also be productive to get the positivity flowing.  So far I’m waiting to put my laundry in the dryer and wash my dishes so I can eat..  Anyways!  I wanted to write about my dream, that was the point of this.  Sooo..

I dreamed last night that the Anaheim Ducks came to Santa Cruz and they all needed places to stay.  Cam Fowler was staying in my dorm room.  But it wasn’t even the room I have now, it was a hybrid between my room from last year and this year.  Which is weird..  But I remember him having all kinds of files and folders and trying to keep things organized because he had so much work to do.  I don’t even remember what specifically it all was, I just remember he had like potable filing cabinets with a bunch of papers in them.  And he kept talking on the phone to people.  So I left at one point and I was up at science hill which was where the ice rink was apparently.  There were a bunch of tour buses in the parking lot and people everywhere.  I got on a bus to go back to my room and a guy was in some janky gross looking Mighty Ducks jersey, but it was a Ducks jersey nonetheless, so I wanted to say hey and strike up a conversation because there aren’t many of us Ducks fans up here in northern California.  I don’t think I ever made my way over to him though, cause I remember running off the bus and trying to get back to my room.  I realized I had my keys and if Cam needed to leave he wouldn’t be able to get back in.  And we still needed to figure out the sleeping arrangements and what not.  I remember honestly thinking in my dream that I would sleep in my sleeping bag on the floor and he could have my bed.  Haha :P  So I tried to get back and I remember trying to run as fast as I could but I couldn’t run at all.  I just couldn’t go fast enough.  Kind of like I was running in peanut butter.  My mom said she used to always have those kinds of dreams..  Anyways, then I woke up!  It was really bizarre and I woke up and wanted to go back to sleep to finish the dream to see what was going to happen next.  

Too bad there isn’t a giant ice rink on campus.  That’d be awesome.

I feel so alone. This has been the most difficult goodbye so far. I hate being so far away, it breaks me every time. I’m sitting in some random parking lot in Los Gatos cause I couldn’t make the drive. I had to park and I just broke down sobbing. I never realize how much I hold inside until it all comes flying out. I feel so scared. I’m so afraid of the future and life and everything and I feel just so alone up here. I feel like I just bother everyone and I never know how to confide in people. It’s so hard for me. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to feel so far away from the people I trust. I’m so tired of putting on a front. I hate this. I don’t want to be here anymore. Sometimes I don’t think I can make it another year and a half. Sometimes I don’t think I can last. I’ve got my hopes so high to graduate that it puts so much pressure on myself to pass all of my classes and makes everything so much harder. But I only want to graduate early so I can be with Kyle. And to save my parents money too. But I know Kyle is a huge reason. I don’t want to go back to my room and be alone. This weekend was like a dream it went just so fast. It’s been a long time since I’ve cried this hard. I don’t want to go back. I just want to keep driving past Santa Cruz and go home. I don’t want to keep doing this. I just feel like I can’t. I don’t even think I can convince myself to leave this parking lot to start driving. I thought that after a year and a half distance would get a little easier but it gets harder every time. So much harder. And there’s so much I wanted to say but I just couldn’t cause I knew I would just cry. I couldn’t speak and I feel so bad cause the ride to the airport was so quiet. I just couldn’t do it. I’m running out of things to tell myself to make it all better. I can fly home in 3 weeks but it just sounds so far. And the 8 weeks left in this quarter sound even worse. I really don’t know what to keep telling myself. I really do feel alone. I don’t want to go back to my room. If I make it back I don’t think I’m gonna want to get out of bed tomorrow morning. I just feel so broken. It’s both comforting and upsetting that I can scream and sob as loud as I want and no one will hear me. No one is here. Is it my fault that I feel like I don’t have a group of friends in college? I don’t like to party, I don’t drink, is that why? Because everyone goes out together and I just stay in my room? Is it my fault? This is how senior year of high school was except there I just jumped and hung out with all kinds of people. Here I’m lucky now if I don’t go to the dining hall alone. I just want to talk to someone without being judged or anything. I want someone to just understand. I want someone to say this will all be okay. I’ve really hit rock bottom. I can’t bring myself to start my car to drive back. I feel like there is absolutely no reason for me to go back. I’m really bad about reaching out for help. This is the best I can do if anyone even reads this. I really just feel broken and alone. And really lost. In all aspects of my life. Deep down I’m really really scared and tired of always being alone. It gets too difficult. I’ve been like this for a long time and now it’s all finally coming out. I need help. I should try to start driving back to campus. Sleeping in a random parking lot probably isn’t a great idea. If anyone reads this, help? I’m sorry.

and it’s crazy how much better I can see!  It’s so much easier to read things now.  I never knew my eyesight wasn’t perfect to begin with.  I mean I guess you can’t really compare with how other people see things.  The idea that you never know exactly what another person is seeing is so fascinating to me.

I’m only four episodes in and already crying.